A Christmas eve breakup

He broke up with me on christmas eve. How fcuked up is that?? Couldn't he have picked a nicer day? There are lots of friggin' days in the calendar and he had to choose that day. I mean, did he just wake up and realize "oh, i like this day. im gonna break up with my girlfriend today."
errrr..

and my day didn't even start out great. Firstly because my phone was still super mega whacked out. Phone memory full keeps popping out and i don't even have anything saved in the phone memory, the pictures are saved in the memory card. So i started deleting messages, even folders but still that notice keeps popping out and the folder sign keeps blinking. and i was sooo mad. I thought "why now? dammit!" and the phone suddenly restarted and voila! I thought it was okay buut then when my friend, Mayel sent me a quote, i was supposed to move it in the :) quote folder but it turns out that there was no such folder. Well, there were no folders... Then i realized, HOLY CRAP! ALL MY MESSAGES ARE GONE. AS IN EVERYTHING! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! It felt like it was gonna be the end of the world! All my carefully sorted happy and sad quotes, movie quotes, touching messages, drafts, lyrics of songs, not to mention messages that won't ever be brought back from people I really care/d about. T.T Well, I was stuck there. There was nothing I could do. It happened. The reason why i don't want to change my phone-- GONE. :(( aarrrggggghhhh!!!!

(Well, before that my mom and I fought over something i don't really remember but it pissed me off.)

So with our argument and my messages dilemma all behind me, i started texting people. And then my friend, Jhame asked me what sites were selling havaianas and so I said I knew one and that she could use my multiply account to look and then I realized that I don't have a gift for my then boyfriend, now ex, yet. So I asked my friends for gift ideas. I needed to buy him a gift for Christmas and his birthday. All of a sudden he sent me a text message,
"Jhes tingn ko hndi ko n kaya mgkalayo tayo. Tingn ko mgstop n tayo s relationshp nten".
It came from him. Well, duh. Wow! I didn't even know where that came from. I forwarded it to some of my closest friends. They, too were bewildered. I didn't reply 'cause what the hell was i going to say??
"Kasi matagal na tayo. Pro mgkalayo naman. Pti hndi n ako masaya. Tngin ko hndi k n dn masya." was his next message. I replied to this but i don't remember what I said.
"Hndi ko n kaya e. Gsto ko muna mgng single" so there you go. That's his reason. I have no idea what that means. Bahala ka na mag isip kung anong meron dyan.
"Hindi ko naman gsto n mgkalayo tayo. Kaya hndi ako masaya. kasi hindi naman kta nakakasama. Pti ano naman magagwa ko" Whoa! You make it seem like it was my fault. E hindi ba nga hindi ka naman nagsabi sa'ken na wala na pala kayong bahay dito? Aba. kung nalaman ko 'yun, papayagan ba kita na sa Manila mag aral? Hay naku.

Well, i sent a message but again I don't remember what I said but he didn't reply anymore.
So i had no idea what to think. Tears weren't coming yet. I guess I was still in shock and probably the fact that my family and I were gonna go out affected too. A little later his brother texted me to console me, I guess. We talked about stuff. We heard mass then my brother bought himself a pair of pants for his first sahod.:) How nice. Anyway, we were supposed to eat in Bigg's Daraga but when we reached daraga, it was effin closed so the driver had to turn the car around. We went to Bigg's albay instead. What a waste of gasoline! And then we ate there because we didn't have handa for Christmas.

When we reached home, i started internet-ing. And well, the rest of family? Uhm. They were drinking ata nun. I had to fix my friendster, multiply and facebook. Im effin SINGLE! i had to change my layout, pictures, my profile. edit edit.
I turned the computer off at about 1:00 or 1:30am. I'm not sure.
So i was in my room texting then i saw our picture right beside me and Mayel's picture. Then it hit me, I'm alone. Friggin ALONE and tears came along with that realization. I texted pa pala his mum nung mga 12:30 na sabi ko merry christmas po. So there i was again feeling oh so alone, then his mum texted me,
"Jess, janos s extending hs christmas greetings 2 u nd ur family"
I didn't reply. No offense or anything but I was still all depressed and crying so she had to understand right? Then juliano texted,
"Meri xmas. Ayoko iruin yung xmas m jhes. I want you to know that i still love you. Mahal parn kta." Ayun e. The damage was done, JULIANO! You don't wnna ruin my Christmas? Well, you already did. Don't give me that! Don't give me false hope. Stop saying you love me. We're broken up! It's just not OKAY!
I was debating on whether or not to greet him. I didn't. I just asked what he'll do with his tickets. Then he said he was gonna refund them na lang. Wow.
Then i fell asleep still crying.

I woke up this morning and my eyes were so effin swollen. He sent pa pla a message but I fell asleep already so I read it when I woke up. It said,
"Bkt m ntnung jhes? Kmsta dyan xmas?"
Bakit ko ntanong? Duh. Kase uuwi ka dapat 'di ba? Kumusta ang Christmas? Nino? Akin? Take a wild guess.

I bought an outfit for you. Well, not for you. For me when you get here. I was gonna watch Twilight with you. I BOUGHT AN OUTFIT! You said you wanted to be the first one to see me in a blouse, right? Whatever, Jess. I was on the process of asking people what gift would be nice when you broke up with me. Wow. Sana pala hindi na lang kita pinakilala kina mama at ate. You're not worth it lang naman pala.
Bitter? I have a right to be.

I'm ok.

No matter how many times I say that, it just doesn't sink in.

taylor swift - Forever & Always

taylor swift - Forever & Always

Forever and Always

Once upon a time
I believe it was a Tuesday
When I caught your eye
We caught onto something
I hold onto the night
You looked me in the eye
And told me you loved me

Were you just kidding?

Cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down
We almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby what happened
Please tell me cause one second it was perfect
Now you're halfway out the door

And I stare, at the phone
He still, hasn't called
And you feel so low you can't feel, nothing at all
And you flashback to when he said
Forever and always

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said
Forever and always

Was I out of line? Did I say something way to honest?
Did you run and hide like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute
Now I'm not so sure

So here's to everything
Coming down to nothing
Heres to silence
That cuts me to the core
Where is this going?
Thought I knew for a minute but I don't anymore

And I stare, at the phone
He still, hasn't called
And you feel so low you can't feel, nothing at all
And you flashback to when he said
Forever and always

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said
Forever and always

Did you mean it baby?
I don't think so

Back up, baby back up
Did you forget everything?
Back up, baby back up
Did you forget everything?

Cause and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said
Forever and always

Oh I stare, at the phone
He still, hasn't called
And you feel so low you can't feel, nothing at all
And you flashback to when we said
Forever and always

And it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said
Forever and always

Didn't mean it baby
You said forever and always



--by taylor swift to joe jonas. :D
bitter? that's not really her fault.

i'm actually okay now! OH REALLY??? :))

You know what? Who'd have thought that an archer was all it took to help me forget the guy who was the reason why I started making blogs here.

Well, the only problem now is I'm hungover with archer but whatever. It was never gonna happen anyway. This kind of dream doesn't come true. Don't believe in fairy tales and happy-ever-afters 'cause you'll just get disappointed, believe me. Don't even get your hopes up, it'll suck even more when you find out that it ain't ever gonna happen. I'm not a pessimist but admit it, I have a point.:)

You know what's worse than hate? INDIFFERENCE. When he hates you, at least he still cares. Indifference, on the other hand, will hurt like hell. You know he doesn't care. You know he doesn't give a damn. You know for sure that when you die he's not gonna be there and he'll let your ashes' ashes burn til the most minute particles shrink into oblivion and not even give a damn at all. That's how that's gonna friggin hurt.

HE WON'T REPLY TO YOUR TEXT MESSAGES.

HE WON'T ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY BECAUSE, WELL HE WON'T BOTHER TEXTING YOU TO LET YOU KNOW.

HE WON'T BOTHER GREETING YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.

HE'S DATING.

IT'S NOT GONNA MATTER TO HIM (EVEN IF IT BUGS YOU) THAT YOU KNOW A HANDFUL ABOUT HIM AND HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT YOU. NOTHING. NADA. NIL. ZERO.

HE DOESN'T ACCEPT YOUR INVITE ON FACEBOOK...OR MULTIPLY.


I GUESS THAT'S CODE FOR "GO AWAY!", HUH?
SO WHY CAN'T I GET THAT THROUGH MY HEAD?

---> will i ever learn? lol

i fell in love with a green archer

lemme give you a background.one of my closest friends, shall i say poses as a person who's famous in her field, modeling. she even made accounts of that person in different sites including chat sites and the like.whatever she thought that person should have.im not saying she's evil, it's just that she got used to it.she doesn't do it often anyway.

let's call that person, ms.JC and my friend, ms.CB and the guy, archer.

it all started when my friend asked me to check ms.JC's account in this certain site because her internet connection was going haywire. so i did as i was told since i was bored anyway.i checked the messages, read most of 'em na nga. there were messages from a number of famous people. then i found him, archer. i thought i could be like ms.CB. i thought my emotions wouldn't get in the way. i thought i could be bitchy and and be someone who can pretend. i thought, but i was wrong. so there, i found out that he put his number in the message. curiosity hit me and look what i got myself into.anyway, i asked permission from ms.CB if i could text archer as ms.JC. SECOND MISTAKE..she said yes and so it began. then for some time i didn't text him. when i heard about what happened to him during one of his games, i thought that would be a good opportunity to text him. i thought to myself, he probably had better things to do and he wouldn't reply so i was surprised when he did reply. and after that, we exchanged messages. but guilt got to me. i told ms.CB that maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all.playing that role was too hard for me and i had to stop. i had to tell him the truth. but my friend told me not to. not YET. she said wait till the season's over, so i did. well, actually i didn't. i just postponed telling him the truth.

we talked about random things. various things. simple things. real things. personal things. i even got him to tell me who his first love was plus who he's dating now. funny thinking bout those moments now, he could confide to me through ms.JC.what beauty can do right?i think i did get to know him.a part of him. and that part of him is all i have now. that part that cheers me up is also the part that makes me sad. it reminded me of how people can be alike, both the famous and the not.
i watched his games on tv. 'cause that was the only place where i could see him. 'cause i'm not from manila. sucks to be me, right? after some time, he texted me that there was another ms.JC who txted him and said that i was a fake. i panicked. i even texted ms.CB about it. she said i should deny it. and i did, although deep inside i really wanted to tell him the truth. i still kept my secret..my dirty lil secret. THIRD MISTAKE.

so, the ides of september came and someone texted me and asked if i was ms.JC. i told him i wasn't. this guy was a soon-to-be archer. and even if he didn't tell me where he got my number, i knew it was from mr archer. he wanted to make sure.archer also texted before the other guy. but after two messages, he didn't reply anymore. on the same night also, i told archer, through text of course, that i wasn't ms.JC and that i was sorry. he didn't reply. i was deeply upset. who wouldn't be?i was upset because he didn't reply. i was upset because he didn't understand. i was upset because i was stupid. and most of all i was upset because i was weak, i was weak because i didn't do a good job in pretending. i was weak because i fell for him. at the same time, i was relieved. you know why? because i told him the truth. i'm no longer chained to who im supposed to be whenever i texted him.hmmm.but... it was only a month or so that i knew him and i was fool enough to be infatuated to him. dumb me huh?

i texted him on my birthday to tell him that, well it was my birthday and it would be good if he greeted me. but he didn't. he did text me later that day though. but my boyfriend and i were watching a movie. all he said was, "Hey its [insert name here]" i'm not sure if i replied to him. but he didn't text me anymore after that. and he didn't greet me. that was the last message he sent me as of now. i still text him every now and then but he just doesn't want to reply i guess.

if he could read this i want to say,

i'm sorry. i'm sorry for pretending and i'm sorry for lying. if i could take it all back, i would. but thanks for cheering me up. thanks for confiding to me. even though i know that's just because you thought i was her. i wish everything would be like before. only this time you'd see the real me. no more lies. text me na. please? take care.


and so mr. archer, will you just please accept my apology?*sigh*

Do you know what the first mistake is? Go on, think about it.



*watch camp rock. tv just isn't reality. sad*

Brooke Penelope Davis : George Bernard Shaw once wrote, 'there are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.' Clearly, Shaw had his heart broken once or twice.

Nathan Royal Scott : As far as i'm concerned, Shaw was a punk 'cause tragedies happen. What are you gonna do give up? quit? No. I realize now that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you're still alive.. 'Cause you are. And that pain that you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better... and that something is worth fighting for.

Haley James-Scott: This year, I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for.. But in a way i lost even more.

Lucas Eugene Scott : Shaw was right. As we strain to grasp the things we desire, the things we think will make our lives better: money, popularity, fame. We ignore what truly matters, the simple things like friendship, family, love, the things we probably already had.

Marvin Leonardo "Mouth" McFadden: So Mr. Shaw thinks that getting your heart's desire is a tragedy? I say he's wrong. I mean, clearly, Shaw never kissed Erica Marsh.

Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer: Yes, losing your heart's desire is tragic but gaining your heart's desire? It's all you can hope for. This year i wished for love, to emerse myself into someone and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give me tragedy 'cause i wouldn't give it back for the world.


I'm missing One Tree Hill badly. I need to watch it again.haha.OTH mania is still on.

*yawn*
i'm gonna go to sleep.
nyt.ö

[9 months, 14 days] someday my prince will come...lol XD

As silly as it may sound I do think there's someone out there for me. I may or may not meet that person but he is destined for me. You know, maybe I passed him by, maybe we bumped into each other, maybe we made eye contact, maybe we watched a movie, maybe we made each other smile and laugh, maybe we traded phone numbers, maybe I leaned on his shoulder, maybe he leaned on mine, maybe I held his hand, maybe he held mine, maybe I broke his heart, maybe he broke mine, maybe we kissed, maybe we hugged, maybe I’m with him now, maybe he let me go, maybe I let him go, maybe he was worth it, maybe he thought I was worth it, maybe he didn’t, maybe he’s thinking of me, maybe I’m thinking of him, maybe he made me cry, maybe I made him cry, maybe he has a girlfriend, maybe I thought he was the one, maybe I loved him, maybe I still do and maybe, just maybe… he loved me, maybe he still does. I’m just not sure if God is ready to give him to me yet. :)

"one of these days i'll hear your voice and you'll say you missed me."

hi. i’m jhez. and my heart’s pretty f*ucked up right now. hahaha. XD
It’s been 9 months and 14 days since my last post and I’m still not over him. Talk about being pathetic. I’m supposed to be all moved on by now. Would you believe that I’m still crying over that same guy?? Pretty stupid huh? And I’m probably gonna regret writing these posts 5 or 10 years from now but still, it’s how I’m feeling this very second. I don’t expect you to understand what I’m going through ‘cause I can’t either. I just wanna say how I’m not okay and I don’t wanna be judged for feeling this way. One great love came to my life and left so whatever, just bear with me. I know I have a boyfriend. I know I shouldn’t feel this friggin’ way. I know it’s unfair. I know the guy I wrote this for doesn’t even give a damn about me. And I don’t know who else to tell these things to so sorry I picked you. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend. He’s my forever. He’s mine, I’m his but he came after the other guy and I can’t help but think of the what-ifs and the what-could-have-beens. :[

"I was just another girl to you, wasn't i?"

alam mo, di ko alam kung bakit ako emote nang emote eh hindi naman naging kame! oh db.? ang tanga tanga ko! shet. hai.

Remember when you tucked my hair behind my ear?
(I’ve been longing for it)
Remember when you asked my permission to hold my hand?
(that was so cute.)
Remember when you leaned on my shoulder at the back of the bus?
(yup, sa likod ng bus)
Remember when we traded phones?
(tapos tayo lang naman magka_text)
Remember when we talked for hours on the phone?
(I’ve been missing those phone calls)
Remember when I would cough and you’d say, ‘ui.okay ka lang?’
(that was so thoughtful of you)
Remember when I told you to choose?
(you didn't pick anyone but sadly that also means you didn’t choose me)
Remember when you asked me if it was okay if you joined a frat?
(sabi ko ok lang.)
Remember the day when I told you how I felt and you said you loved her?
(it crushed me)
I do. (tian! andami ko namang naaalala!) *sob*
What happened to, ‘kakayanin naten to.’?
Remember this picture?


That’s ‘cause you sent it to me. Damn it! At least be there to wipe away my tears if you’re going to make me cry! I’m still stuck and I wanna be free from this agony you’ve brought about.

“You said I was great! You said I could be great! You said we were destined to be together! You said it to the world! You said it to me and I wish you never had because you did not mean any of it!!”
-Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer [One Tree Hill]

“You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker”